A big part of of me doesn’t even want to be writing this right now. This is supposed to be a spiritual-related blog, and I don’t feel very spiritual these days. So, I’m just writing a few ideas down as they come into my head. I’m not sure where this will go.
I’ve been frustrated lately, very frustrated. Spiritually, vocationally, financially, and just about any other way you can think of. In my view, life just hasn’t been going like I’ve wanted it to. I say, “in my view,” because it IS my view, whether it’s a truly accurate view or not.
I feel like God is testing me. Trying to see how far I can be pushed. Testing me to see if my faith is real or not. That He is using all the circumstances of my life as a great big test with many smaller, frustrating tests along the way.
It’s the same old image I’ve had for several years—that God is like a researcher in a white lab coat holding a clipboard, watching me and making notes as I make my way through the maze of life like a little white mouse.
Although I’m certain this image comes from the enemy, it is nonetheless a difficult one to shake. What if God looks at me and my life as nothing more than one big experiment? What if He doesn’t really care about me any further than just the data that He collects from my toiling through life? It’s hard to get that image out of my mind even though I know it’s false.
I know He loves me. At least I know it in an academic sense. I learn that by reading His word and by listening to preachers and teachers who say that.
But I’m not sure it’s really down in my heart. Quite often I don’t feel it, not like I could feel the love from my parents when I was a little child. I KNEW they cared and were looking out for me, even whenI didn’t agree with their decisions (like the time they flatly refused to buy me a pet boa constrictor—it was only $60).
But with God it’s different. I don’t feel His love most of the time and I’m not sure why. Maybe there’s just too much noise in the world and it all drowns out the still, small voice from the Holy Spirit. I just don’t know.
But it’s frustrating. I WANT to feel loved, and nurtured, and supported, and cared for. I want to feel that safety net that I’ve been missing since I was a teenager.
I don’t understand why, if God really loves me/us like He says he does in the Bible, that I don’t feel it on a daily basis. Why do I feel all alone in the world? Why do I feel like I’ve been dropped into a hostile jungle and left to fight through it until I either a) find my way out, or b) die?
Quite often, I’d rather the whole thing just be over with. I’m ready to throw in the towel and say, “I’m done. I quit. I’m losing at this game and I never liked it in the first place. I’m going home.”
But I can’t “go” anywhere. I’m stuck here to wander this maze, to fight jungle tigers and malaria, to keep going no matter what.
It’s not enjoyable. I don’t relish getting up each morning and facing that day’s set of challenges. It wears on me mentally and physically. I’m tired of it all and I want to be free from it.
There is no freedom, however. Each day is the same. It slaps me in the face and says, “Wake up! You’re still here. Time to get moving and face me and all that I have laid out for you.” It’s not a feeling I like. I didn’t ask to be put here and I’m not enjoying it.
So, what’s the answer? There’s only one answer really. Keep going and try to learn from the past. Learn the twists and turns of this gargantuan maze that just led me to dead ends. Don’t go back down them. Slap away the huge mosquitoes that land on me and try to suck my blood. Avoid the tigers and other jungle predators if at all possible.
That’s all I can do.