Reframing How You See Your Life

/ Clay D. / 1 Comment

Too many people struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis—and I’m one of those people. One approach that I have used from time to time to help eliminate my worry and anxiety over the future is to completely reframe my thinking regarding it and the past.

By nature, I have always held onto the past. It’s where I’m most comfortable because it’s a known. The future is unknown of course. By thinking about the past and dwelling on the past I’m able to keep my mind in a more comfortable, secure place.

However, we don’t live in the past. We only live in the here-and-now, with the future to look forward to. So, by living in the past in my mind, I’m actually creating more anxiety for myself. What happens now is that I see my “true” life as that which I had before I left home for college. That’s the point at which one major phase of my life ended and another began.

Therefore, in my mind, all the events that have happened since I left home are cataloged as leading away from that anchor point. 

Let me explain it this way. It’s as if I’m wading into the ocean backwards with my eye on the shoreline that is getting ever farther away. My childhood is represented as my walk down the beach until I reach the edge of the water. 

Everything after that (adulthood) is represented by my wading into the water. The longer I live, the farther I get away from the shore with its supposed safety and the more treacherous my journey becomes. 

Slowly but surely, I’m wading backward out into deeper waters, getting closer to the point where I’m completely underwater. My focus is not on the direction I’m headed, but rather it’s always on the shore.

Each day of my adult life is seen as a crisis—it’s not my real life because that ended at childhood when I began wading into the water. The crisis is heightening day by day as I get deeper and deeper. There is no real living in this scenario—just survival for as long as Ican.

As you can imagine, this way of thinking makes for a very anxious kind of life.

However, by reframing my way of thinking, I can see my life in a whole different light. If I create a different schema to catalog my experience, then everything is flipped 180 degrees. If I see each new day as the beginning of the rest of my life, and all the events that come afterward as just a long extension of my real life, then a great deal of worry, fear, and anxiety is eliminated.

I have to tell myself, “My life is here and now. Everything else is in the past. This is my life, along with everything that I experience from this point on.”

But the real key is to see my life this way. I have to keep in mind the image that the past is all behind me and that the future is a great, wide road in front of me, representing all the potential that life holds.

Creating this image in my head helps me see my life completely differently. Instead of ruminating on the past and fretting because each day takes me further away from its “safety,” I’m instead focused on the future and making each day count for something. I can look forward to each day instead of being anxious because life has taken me so far from my past.

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul tells his readers that he uses that same approach:

“…forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.”

Phil. 3:13b

It’s good to learn from the past, but not so good if you live in the past. As the motivational saying goes, “Remember the lesson, but forget the details.”

Living in the past cripples you and makes you totally ineffective for you present life. Plus, you end up fearing the future because your mind is conditioned to crave the apparent security of the past. 

That security is all a lie, however. The past has no real power, only that which you allow it to have. The present and the future are where life is truly lived.

Mama’s Hands

/ Clay D. / Leave a comment

Her hands tell her story. Over the decades they baked countless cakes, changed untold thousands of diapers, prepared meal after meal after meal, and washed enough laundry to clothe an army for a year.

They washed innumerable dishes and had been washed clean themselves. Each day, she wrung them in ever-present worry, as there is no purpose without worry. They only stopped when the rest of her body came to a halt. 

As the decades wore on, arthritis took its toll, adding twists and turns to her slender fingers. Graceful hands became tough, gnarled knots. 

These hands had sorted, fixed, cleaned, and soothed in their long lives, seeing both noble and not-so-noble purposes. 

Although, for me her hands represented mostly love, in my early childhood they were also fearful objects, capable of causing instant pain and humiliation. More than once they had left a hot red impression on my arm or leg, a perfect outline of her fingers molded into the white of my flesh. 

In these moments, it’s hard to say which one I felt more of—physical pain or humiliation. The loud smack on my skin would intensify the experience, drawing hot tears from my eyes and turning my selfish day in a new and awful direction. 

In her later years, the hands themselves endured blinding pain each day from the arthritis that wove itself through them.

For her, her hands’ movement meant she was accomplishing her duty. Hand work kept her sense of guilt at bay. After all, idle hands are the devil’s plaything. Busy hands showed her dedication to her duties as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, and employee.

Never once do I remember her having painted nails.That just wasn’t her style. Too flashy, she’d say. Too impractical. People might get the wrong idea. After all, these hands were born in the depression and we must never forget the lessons we learned during that time. Practicality and sensibility come before anything else. 

Her hands often worked even in her downtime. A bushel of fresh-picked green beans from our garden meant she’d watch “Barnaby Jones” or “Mary Tyler Moore” that night while mindlessly breaking one bean after another into pleasing, edible pieces. 

At the end of the day, she put her eyes and her mind to bed and patiently waited for her hands to finish their work. Their final tasks might include massaging sore joints, rubbing overworked calves, or trying without success to ease a fidgety leg. When her hands finally rested, she could at last rest her body. 

Her hands have at last found their final rest. They are peacefully still, her left one casually draped over her right. They and she lie free from guilt and worry.

What Do You Say When You Talk to Yourself?

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Did you know that the internal dialogues you carry on with yourself every day are some of the most important conversations you’ll ever have?

Hopefully, you speak good things to yourself—positive things that work toward building yourself up instead of tearing yourself down.

Granted, it’s not easy to always carry on a positive conversation with yourself. Life gets in the way. Things happen. Circumstances around us are constantly pulling at us. Negativity is everywhere you turn. 

However, you can either be your own best cheerleader or your own worst critic. You have to choose which one you’re going to be—moment by moment, every day. I’ll repeat that: It’s a moment by moment choice to be positive, not a one-time decision.

You can literally change your world by the words that come out of your mouth. Below are two verses in which the Bible tells us this.

 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Prov. 18:21

Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!.

James 3:4-5)

Your tongue—your words—can either be used for good or for evil. Many people make an honest effort not to gossip or talk badly about others. However, they don’t realize that their own words are creating the opposite kind of existence than what they want!

Rather than telling yourself, “I’m worried that I won’t have the money to pay the electric bill this month,” instead say, “My mind is free and easy. I don’t have a care in the world.”

Instead of cursing your circumstances and saying something like, “That’s just my luck. Things are always turning out for the worst,” tell yourself, “Life is good. Things are going the way I want them to.”

It doesn’t matter if you don’t fully believe the words that are coming out of your mouth. The important thing is that you’re speaking positive words instead of negative words. 

When faced with another long day of work ahead of you, tell yourself, “There’s no good reason not to be happy today,” rather than saying something negative like, “Today’s just another miserable day and I’m that much closer to the grave.”

Many people say these sorts of negative things to themselves all day every day. I know, because in the past, I’ve often been one of these people. I still do it from time to time, but I’m working on getting better at speaking positive affirmations into my life—and you can, too.

Tithing – God Wants Our Heart, Not Our Money

/ Clay D. / 1 Comment

Admittedly, I’ve had a long, hard struggle with tithing. I’ve always wanted to do it, but most of the time have never felt like I really had the money to actually do so.

Deep down, I believe it’s the right thing to do. But not because it’s one of the 10 commandments (because it’s not), but because in example after example in the Bible, we see where God’s faithful servants always give Him the first part of their income or harvest.

In Genesis 14:20, Abraham did it long before the law was given: “‘And blessed be God Most High, who has delivered your enemies into your hand!’ And Abram gave him a tenth of everything.”

Jesus later reaffirmed the practice in the New Testament: “‘Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others.’”

God even tells us to test Him and see if He won’t come through by honoring our tithe.

Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test [emphasis mine], says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the Lord of hosts (Mal. 3:10-11).

The underlying issue is not that God wants our money. As everybody who has ever written about the issue of tithing has said, God doesn’t need our money. He owns it all anyway. “The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein” (Ps. 24:1).

Everything comes from Him because it was all His to begin with anyway. When we tithe or give our offerings, we’re just giving Him back what was already his.

He even tells us that He is the one who makes it possible for us to have any money to give away. “Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all” (1 Chron. 29:12a).

Then why do we need to tithe? The answer is that God wants our heart. Money is hard to part with. If we show God that we trust Him enough to give Him our money, then He knows that He has our hearts.

Jesus tells us to love God with everything we have. “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment’” (Matt. 22:37-38).

Jesus also tells us to store our treasures in Heaven because “‘where your treasure is, there your heart will be also’” (Matt 6:21).

The backstory to Malachi 3 where God tells us to test Him is that the Israelites weren’t giving God their tithes, so they weren’t giving Him their whole hearts. They didn’t trust God or revere God enough to give him the first of all their harvest and their livestock.

When God told the Israelites to tithe, he knew that if they did they would be giving their whole selves to Him. That’s what He was trying to accomplish. He didn’t want their money and he doesn’t want our money today. He wants our hearts.

When we give all of ourselves to God, we open ourselves us to receive His blessings. And that includes His peace and freedom from worry. If there’s always that one small part of us that we’re holding out and not giving over to God, He can’t fully bless us; we’ll never fully know His peace.

Tithing may not be the answer to all your problems with stress and worry, but the simple act of giving God back the money that was His to begin with may play a crucial role in your mental health. Doing so shows Him that you trust Him and are putting your life and well-being in His hands.

Try it. Tithe and see what happens. Test God just as He tells us to do in Malachi. You may be surprised with the results.

Imagine Yourself a Happy Person

/ Clay D. / Leave a comment

The next time you’re feeling blue (or down in the dumps, depressed, or whatever you want to call it), here’s a simple exercise that you can try that will make you feel better.

Ask yourself, “How would I act if I weren’t depressed, if I were a genuinely happy person?” Focus on trying to imagine yourself acting that way. Picture yourself with a carefree, happy smile on your face, talking easily to strangers, smiling uncontrollably because life feels so darned good.

Spend a few minutes really concentrating on fleshing out the details of this image. What would you eyes look like as they sparkled with joy? Would others see your pearly white teeth as you would be unable to hide your huge, happy smile? What would your body language look like? Would you hold your shoulders back and your head high?

Once you’ve really nailed this image in your head, NOW GO DO IT. Act like that genuinely happy person who doesn’t have a care in the world. Take the day by the horns and make it yours.

Smile easily, laugh loudly, show others how much you enjoy being in their presence. Walk like you have a purpose.

Do this exercise every day for a couple of weeks. It may feel corny at first, but over time it will become more natural feeling. As the old saying goes, “Fake it ‘til you make it.”

You may just find yourself experiencing those genuine feelings of happiness more and more. Wouldn’t that be great?

Adjust or Else

/ Clay D. / Leave a comment

What does it mean to adjust? Change obviously. Adapt in some way. It means to make a change in order to bring about desired results.

To make the proper adjustments, however, we must know what the desired outcome(s) is. Sometimes this means asking ourselves the hard questions: What is it that we really want out of life? What are we willing (and able) to do to make this happen?

Once we know what we want, then we can create a road map for getting there. But until we have that vision fully formed in our head, there’s no way to know which direction to begin in.

Adjustment is not a one-time thing. In fact, it’s a constant. Life is not set up so that we can just turn the cruise control on, lean back in the seat, and relax.

Just as with driving down a curvy road that winds through hills and valleys, we must remain alert, vigilant, and ready to roll with whatever punches life throws our way.

Adjust. That’s the name of the game. Adapt. Be ready to change what’s not working in favor of something that will work.

Having to adjust does not mean you’ve failed. It doesn’t even mean—as has often been said—that you’ve found one more way that doesn’t work. It just means making a course correction so that your end destination stays in sight.

The potholes in the life’s roadway, along with fallen trees, washed out pavement, and other obstacles, will cause us to make adjustments. We either adjust or we run off the road. End of game.  

To remain in the game and keep moving forward, adjustment is a key component of life. Embrace it. Roll with it. Adjust and thrive or else your journey ends.

Make the Bible’s Words Your Prayers

/ Clay D. / Leave a comment

Sometimes when we’re so down we just don’t know what to pray or how to pray to God. It seems like our prayers are going nowhere.

These are times when you can refer to the word of God for your prayers. If we’re weak in strength (emotionally and/or physically), all we have to do is pray words that have already been spoken before.

What this means is that we can use the God’s words from the Bible as our own prayers. We can find words that His people spoke to Him long ago and make them our own.

Rather than strictly coming to God with a list of concerns and cares, we can use these words as a guide to focus our prayers. Using them can transform our words into strong petitions that accurately reflect who God is and who we are in relation to Him.

Jeremiah 33:3 says,

“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

Call out to God. Tell Him of your weakness. Tell Him you want to serve Him but you feel unequipped to do so. Trust Him to speak to you. It might not be right away, as sometimes we must wait on God to hear His voice clearly. But never stop trusting Him that He loves you and wants you to hear Him.

Praise God and thank Him that you can trust Him just as Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

You might pray something like, “Thank you, Father, that I can trust you with all my heart and that as I acknowledge you in every area of my life, you are making a straight path for me.”

It might be that trouble with your job or professional life has left you physically drained. Perhaps your finances are in disarray and you’re barely able to make ends meet.

In 1 Chronicles 4:10 we find this prayer from Jabez:

“Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my border, and that your hand might be with me, and that you would keep me from harm so that it might not bring me pain!”

We learn in the next verse that God granted Jabez’s request. That’s not to say that God will give you whatever you ask for or that if He does, that it will be in the timeframe you want. God works in His own time and for His own divine purposes.

However, by speaking this prayer to God, you’re letting God know that you have needs (He already knows them anyway) and you’re inviting Him to be the One who works everything out. You’re recognizing that you can’t do it on your own.

Psalm 34:4-7 is a wonderful passage if you’re just feeling generally afraid and anxious:

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.”

Here we find David’s testimony that God helped him in his time of need. Just as He did for David, God will deliver you from your fears. He will save you out of your troubles.

Once again, it may not be in exactly the way you think He should. It may not be when you think it should be. But he is faithful. He’ll save you just like he did David.

Make these words your prayer. Personalize them. Thank God for His help. Praise Him for being faithful and for saving you as He did David.

Philippians 4:6-7 is another great passage for helping us through anxiety and worry. It tells us,

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Pray to the Lord and thank Him that you have nothing to be anxious about. Praise Him for His peace in Jesus that is guarding your heart (emotions) and your mind (logical thought processes).

God loves us and is always there for us. Nothing we can ever do will change that.

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him” (Ps. 103:11).

Use the examples that He gave us in His word to personalize your prayers and make them powerful, God-trusting, God-praising prayers. Fortify them with God’s words and see if He doesn’t help you in your time of need.

My Big Mistake

/ Clay D. / Leave a comment

“When you take charge of your own narrative, it gives you a handle on it.”

– Liz Murray

It’s been a long journey to happiness. And while I’ve haven’t quite achieved the level of satisfaction with my life that I’d like, I have come a long way.

One of the ideas that held me back for so long—and still does from time to time—was my belief that happiness just happens to you.

That you wake up each day, optimistic, with a smile on your face, and ready to face the world.

It’s the idea that people are just born happy—and that I. Was. Not. One. Of. Those. People. For decades I looked around at my peers, most of whom appeared reasonably contented with their lives, and I wondered why I didn’t feel the same way. Why could I just not take life as it comes, without all the fear, worry, depression, and anxiety that plagued me each day?

Obviously I wasn’t born happy, but surely taking a pill (or two or three) would do the trick, wouldn’t it? Go to the psychiatrist, get a prescription, and BAM!—life is all better. I tried that method for years, with very, very little success.

The medication helped some, enough to raise me to a baseline where I could hang on, hopeful that someday I’d find the find psycho cocktail that would magically cure whatever my problem was.

That never happened, though. That magical potion did not appear. I didn’t wake up one day and feel transformed.

Over time, however, I did realize that the key to lasting change lay within myself.

While the medication helped a little, I discovered the old motivational saying was true: “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.”

I realized that to find joy and happiness in life, I had to quit feeling sorry for myself and being angry that my life wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. I had to take charge of my destiny with a new drive to make my life into something better.

Instead of sitting around waiting for a pill to change everything, I needed to catapult the little amount of benefit I got from my medication into something bigger.

The pill gave me breathing room—now I had to punch back with a determination to practice gratitude, change my way of thinking, and begin to truly change my life.

And that is where I am today.

I had picked up a number of useful tools for dealing with depression over the years, although I’ve never really put them to good use.

However, I now realized that one of the main keys to becoming a truly joyful person is to quit looking at the past. Instead of saying, “Oh woe is me…I’m just not a happy person”—I needed to press forward, quit feeling like a victim, and get on with change.

I had taken great pleasure in playing the victim and feeling sorry for myself. I felt like the world owed me an apology for treating me so badly. I didn’t want to move forward—in fact, I couldn’t move forward—because I was too busy waiting for an apology and explanation as to why I felt the way that I did.

Little tip: You’ll never get that apology or that explanation. Just move on.

It’s been a very slow process, but now when those depressive feelings enter my mind, instead of getting down on myself and wallowing in self-pity, I have a desire to overcome those feelings and to take action to make my life better.

This deep drive and desire is what has made all the difference. Until I truly wanted to feel better—instead of taking some weird pleasure in feeling sorry for myself—it was not possible for me to make any lasting change.

I haven’t yet arrived. Not by a long shot. But, I’m well on my way.

See you there.

What Do You Worship?

/ Clay D. / Leave a comment

Everybody—each and every one of us—is committed to something in our lives.

We all fall down at the altar of whatever it is that we’ve chosen to worship as our “god.”

For some of us, it might be money. The pursuit of the almighty dollar. We knock ourselves out trying to make as much money as we can, because, certainly, happiness will only come to us when we’re earning X amount of money a year.

For others, it might just be their career itself and all the recognition they hope to garner from it. When at last they are vice-president then—and only then—will they have achieved it all.

Perhaps fame is what motivates you each day. You want to become well-known in your field, to become that writer whose name is on everyone’s lips, or the doctor who finally finds a cure for a rare but fatal disease.  

We might even worship our spouse or significant other (also known as codependency).

Perhaps we worship having our own freedom and individuality—we just want to do life on our own terms. I know I’ve often been guilty of that kind of worship.

Whatever it is, that’s what we ultimately sacrifice everything for. That is our idol.

It doesn’t have to be a little figurine carved out of wood or stone that we prostrate ourselves in front of. It could be as simple as that job you invest 60 hours a week in. Or those golf clubs you cart around every weekend.

Your idol could even be God Himself. Now that’s a novel idea…

Paint Your Face How You Want to Feel

/ Clay D. / 1 Comment

Have you ever heard the saying, “Fake it till you make it”?

Simply put, it refers to acting a certain way until you actually begin to feel that way. Motivational speakers often explain the power of this life hack to crowds of business or sales professionals.

However, you can use it in your everyday life as well. If you want to feel more confident when you’re at a party or get-together, for example, just act like you are a confident, relaxed person. Walk into the room with your head held high and a walk that says you know what you want out of life.

One of the most important parts of this technique is your facial expression.

Did you know that you can actually trick your mind into thinking you feel a certain way? Normally, we look at things the other way around—whatever emotion we feel or think about (joy, sadness, anger, etc.) is consequently displayed on our face (using our eyes and mouth).

But, the opposite is also true. If we put a big smile on our face, we can’t help but feel better. That’s right, smile really big and see if you don’t feel happier. You can actually change your mood instantly just by changing your facial expression.

That’s what I like to call “Paint Your Face How You Want to Feel,” or PYFHYWTF. If you want to feel joyful, put a big grin on your face. If you want to feel calm and relaxed, smile serenely and narrow your eyes a bit like you’re basking in the breeze on a warm beach and almost ready to doze off.

The effect is even more powerful if you do this while looking in a mirror.

There is an abundance of science behind why smiling makes us feel better. When our smile muscles contract to form a smile, they fire a signal back to the brain to stimulate the production of endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin that make us feel happier.

And when we’re happier, we smile more. It’s a positive reward cycle that can be set into motion just by smiling.

Imagine yourself as being happy and the feelings will follow.

Psychology Today has several online articles about the positive aspects of smiling—here and here are just two of them. The British Council even recommends holding a pencil between our teeth to exercise our smile muscles.

Not that you’d necessarily ever want to feel angry, but if you did, you could make yourself feel that emotion just by creating and angry expression.

That’s why when something small bothers you and you start to show it on your face, the emotions involved can quickly escalate. Before you know it, you’re full of rage over something insignificant.

You have much more power over your emotions than you might have realized.

Go on, give it a try. Stand in front of a mirror and give yourself your best smile and see what happens.